Pick up as you go

Compatibility is about flexibility. Someone you can adjust these differences to, and at the same time truly accept the changes. One of my favorite couples who see my coworker regularly are a couple in their sixties. Even if they had no problems they had always had the time to go visit their marriage counselor, my mentor.  So one morning I caught them while waiting for the jam on my door to get fixed I decided to talk to them. It was simple, I asked about how they met. They seemed so sweet that they didn’t need counseling. The old man told me that that was just how he wanted to manage things. I simply wanted to know how they met. They were such a perfect couple.

“I worked in a shoe factory and her mother was the one that supplied us leather. One time she had been sent to talk to the manager and I was a day fresh in the position after getting promoted. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen yet, but I knew that we were very different. Her family was very rich, and I was just starting to make a living for myself. So I thought, maybe I should just make friends with her, I guess there’s nothing wrong with having someone as beautiful as her for a friend. But when I reached out to her and started to discover the beauty in variety and acceptance, I felt that my world became a much colorful place. And then we became the best of friends. One day I decided to tell her the fact that I loved her, and risked our friendship, but I would definitely have regretted not telling her despite what I had laid down the line. We’ve been married for forty two years now.”

On that note, I’d like to clear out that it doesn’t work all the time, but it is always great to have a good friend by your side. Another thing that great relationships have factored in would be their capability to move forward as individuals. Some clients who started seeing other people shortly after a bad breakup guaranteed more problems than growth, as a result of a rebound relationship and a lack of peace of mind. There’s always time to start seeing other people, but if you need to go figure out some personal ordeals, then by all means do it. That way, your new relationship does not suffer, and you get to present yourself in a new and refreshing fashion. There’s what we call a whirlwind romance, and those are for the lucky people. That’s what the Young Woman had. She ended up with her best friend, after being friends for five years, and discovering that it was not the end of the world for her. They dated for 4 years and got married. Then again, even I had to start all over again. And you know what, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I love my wife. It all works out in the end.

In general, if you know your way around relationships, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for everyone you meet. This is a world full of individuals with different attributes and personalities that sets them apart from one another. Even the experts sometimes fail. That’s why there’s divorce, but then again, there’s a way to fix things. And that’s where marriage counselors come in. This isn’t about blowing my own horn, we’re people too, and we DO encounter problems of our own. Communication, trust, understanding are the keys to a great relationship and I think everyone has heard that from just about any “good advice giver”. Just make sure that you find a friend in that person and in yourself. Because when the romance subsides, there’s always another relationship to catch your cloud and take you back to where you both started.

Being in this field for nearly 10 years, I’ve seen and heard almost all the stories possible about what constitutes a great relationship and its opposite. I’ve met women who have survived a really traumatic relationship and men who have been through equally painful ones.

It makes no difference at all; whether it be a man or a woman and all the other politically incorrect equations about gender – fact is fact: there are a few things that should guide us into the lives that we desire, in whatever field we wish, especially when it involves our romantic relationships.

Not so long ago, I’ve dealt with one client who had just gotten out of a relationship of two years. She was young, barely in her mid twenties. This was a young woman who’s never been in a relationship before, and did not have any sort of standard when it came to how she should be treated as a woman; a victim of verbal abuse, and later on physical abuse.

This carried over as our session lasted months on and off. She would come by every so often whenever she needed to let out some steam, when she would remember the bad episodes in her previous relationship. From what I’ve gathered, she and another client went through the same problem. This time I was dealing with a man.

He was your average guy who was very smart and silent, who preferred things were put to place and got together with a woman with a tub of insecurities. This showed me a pattern. So other than just having him unleash his burdens to me, I asked about the history of the person he was with at the time. She had excess baggage and that was something textbook did not expound to me very much.

The results were the same. They became victims of co-victims. At one point I thought of setting them up, except that they both really didn’t want to start seeing other people – a result of the traumatic relationship.

Piecing things together, 2 years after, the Young Woman came back and told me how much her life has changed after she had found someone a year after her painful experience. “It was not easy”, she explains. “I was still fresh out of the trauma, but my friendship with this guy I’m now with saved us both.” They hung out everyday, and she did the opposite of what she used to do. “I made sure that the feelings were real, and these are things you shouldn’t base on the first date alone. The best foot forward pattern is always an option for every relationship –even I used to subscribe to that. So, I became my true self the entire time (or so I’d like to think) and thank goodness I didn’t have to try so hard because our friendship gave us that advantage.”

Recollecting stories of relationships from my friends, clients and personal experience, I saw one common denominator. It was the friendship and mutual respect and understanding. This can stretch as far as two people who have totally different tastes in everything, and that’s supposedly another issue altogether, but then again, when you’ve been friends for quite sometime now, all that seems to become next to unimportant.

What gives girls the right to make 50 rules about what they want about guys? Guys too, can make rules about girls. This way, it will be a two-way-give-and-take relationship that will make both sides happy and will make a successful relationship. Below are some basic rules.

1.    Having a very close boy buddy – We know that they are just your close friend. Some of them may be gay, but still that doesn’t mean that you can be very close to them. They still have their “thing” attached and that is a threat potential! They may make you laugh more than us but, we are your boyfriend, not them. Give us more time and priority in weighing in your decisions.

2.    Nagging – Actually, this should be the number one in the list. Nagging is just their way of expressing things because they think that guys do not understand what they said. Although it is said that guys are not good in multi-tasking, we can remember what you said for three times already. So quit saying the same thing more than that!

3.    Vanity- it is actually ok as she is putting effort in making herself presentable before you but, please! Do not take up half of the day just choosing what dress you wear. When we love you, whatever you wear will be okay with us. With or without clothes we still love you!

4.    Trust and faith – No, they are not the two girls you heard from me last night! Trust is the foundation and faith is the gas to keep going. Growing is a different thing. Without foundation, I don’t think your love will ever be created. You need faith because when you keep on doubting, it’s just like banging the foundation with a jack hammer. Being faithful is another thing and those three composes three qualities a relationship should have.

5.    Lie- last but not the least, do not lie. We all know that girls can sense when a guy are lying. Guys can sense that too! Girls might be better but, guys can have satellites better than girls. We have spies planted at several strategic locations when information is needed.

These are just some since girls made much more rules for us guys. Just remember, these are few rules but this would make a relationship last. Agree?

I hate to use this title as an example but today I was faced with one of the more challenging problems I’ve ever encountered.

The issue was between two sisters fighting over a guy. Now the guy is your typical ass. The rich, accomplished guy who sleeps with both women causing trouble within the family. I couldn’t help but tell them both to do the impossible — which was to leave the jerkwad alone, but the elder sister made a point and she said, there must be something about the guy that’s doing this to them that makes him worth it.

Why do I say this? I’ve been to a similar situation from years back. It was between me and my buddy Lloyd but, then it wasn’t as serious as this although the girl was really something — more of, I didn’t let it get too serious. Her life went downhill after getting hooked on drugs. Surreal but true.

I just told them both to think hard of the repercussions of this as I can’t really tell them what else to do, except what I had already told them which was to find a better man for each. At the end of it all, family should always come first. But that’s me.

So I’ve been hard at work, accepting people for consultation sometimes even beyond office hours. I like my job, but it can get tiring. Its just that you can’t exactly let people down especially when they beg for your help.

If I had it easy, I wouldn’t even want to charge. Its like paying my mother for rent or something to that effect. We all know how bad that sounds. But we have to face the facts, I need to sustain myself in all ways possible.

Apparently, the stats - as far as my counseling sessions are concerned - have changed only but slightly. Majority of them are couples who wish to work their differences out with their partners. Sometimes I tend to think of telling them that I, by default would not know better except that I’ve read enough books to understand things.

I only base it on the fact that more than half of these couples have personal ordeals that make them react a certain way to their partners. I keep reminding myself that though I shouldn’t even put any more effort into it after all these years we forget at one point, and that we need to be reminded of how things ought to be.