Pick up as you go

Getting married is something that men aren’t so hot about the way women are. Why? Because we’ve heard stories of what can happen in a marriage when all we want are the simplest things, right? But we are not alone. Stats show that women are more concerned about the prospective hardships to come in a marriage which includes being able to take care of the entire family, most especially when they are expecting a child.

The conditions are really hard for both men and women and finding an equation to balance both parties’ efforts are close to impossible. Marriage is something that should take you to the next level, not assure you that everything will be easy. Sooner or later a new addition to you and your wife’s lives will come and that’s your child, who will be needing your support as well as your wife’s. That can be a confusing and tough but truly a rewarding feeling, when accomplished well, but one should be in the lookout for possibilities and things that may hinder a healthy family relationship.

It becomes a delicate situation when your wife suddenly gives you a 180, becomes cold and distant when you need intimacy just like before. Or simply when you just want to be with them. I’ve gone through years of work with surprising stats on husbands that crave for their wives’ attention and most often get denied, that produces cheating as a result. Cheating is something that is caused by situations that couples are exposed to, although the reasons may be different from one another, majority of them had a lot to do with not being able to communicate with their spouses, the right way, not because they don’t want to, but because they don’t know what’s going on.

Men and women are built differently, and more often than not, wives put more effort into trying to understand the simple wiring we have when it really should be the other way around — they’re the complicated ones, anyway. When failure is present in this field, some bounce back easily because they know exactly what to do. But what about those who are completely alien to the concept? It stems out from just one day and then to the next and getting used to this kind of situation will carry over and snowball your relationship into a dark well. Minutes more into it and you’ll find yourself doing the unimaginable. Thing is we could’ve done something about this, pride set aside only if we had at least a clue on what to do. Here are only a few of what we should know about. Things we won’t ever be able to understand, but good enough to tell us what we might need to know as husbands.

Postpartum/Postnatal Depression - is a clinical depression that is associated with giving birth. This includes not being able to respond to normal needs and at times can be mistaken as just a disconnection between couples. The length of the depression may vary and it can wear you out. So before it does, seek help. Disinterest in the usual activities and excess in eating or the opposite are only some of the symptoms, as well as fear of hurting the baby, or simply fearing the baby alone. Be wary when the cycle continues for more than a week.

Physical Pain/Discomfort - Carrying a child in your womb for 9 months and being responsible for any of the things that may happen to the baby is a huge responsibility. We have work, yes, but if you can imagine the discomfort that women feel after giving birth (some even work and deny themselves rest) — and we can only go as far as a description because we aren’t women — then we shouldn’t argue with the fact that they handle a much harder task as it is not as mechanical to just nurture a child and at the same time ensure the safety of everyone around you as well as being concerned about their health. These are only a few things that our wives go through. Some may not even be able to take care of the home as expected, but these pains are definitely present, especially after childbirth.

How You Say It really counts. Instead of saying, “Can you get me something to eat?”, say “Let’s get something to eat”. It makes them feel like they’re part of the picture and not just a fixture in your home that will make you anything you want just because they can. The tone of the voice is a major part of this — you won’t believe the difference it makes to a woman when a man speaks to her “with respect” as they put it.

Initiate Time-out with your wives. It makes them happy spending time-out with you. A big 43% of women say that they don’t bother initiating vacations, getaways or simple dates with their husbands because they THINK their husbands can’t be bothered. While they try to think ahead of us, why not prove them wrong if we really want to spend time with them, anyway?

These are simple things, little things that my even change the way we think about our wives, but can produce great results. If something isn’t working right, that automatically directs you to a problem. This isn’t nipping the bud, its a simple guide for us to make sure we act the way we should.

We ARE built differently, and that is why I chose to write about this article today. The need for communication is very hard to bridge and I thought, why not share some of the things we deserve to know? After all, we’re not all too insensitive now, are we.

A client walked in after several months of discontinuing his session, only to deliver the news that he has been cheating on his wife with someone at work.

He blames the problem on his wife, not being able to satisfy his needs after 2 years of marriage. He asked for help. Sometimes even if I knew exactly what to do, I would wonder despite the job description. I often wondered why he asked for help when he knew what the problem was right then and there. I guess I had to make it totally obvious.

I had him bring a photo of his wife and child, and I had him carry it to work. Sometimes going beyond textbook helps… we’ll see if this one does. He also hasn’t worn his wedding band for quite sometime now. Hoping that will make him remember his marriage vows, I gave him the help he needed, probably what he wasn’t expecting — which was to justify the cheating because of a dying sex life.

Compatibility is about flexibility. Someone you can adjust these differences to, and at the same time truly accept the changes. One of my favorite couples who see my coworker regularly are a couple in their sixties. Even if they had no problems they had always had the time to go visit their marriage counselor, my mentor.  So one morning I caught them while waiting for the jam on my door to get fixed I decided to talk to them. It was simple, I asked about how they met. They seemed so sweet that they didn’t need counseling. The old man told me that that was just how he wanted to manage things. I simply wanted to know how they met. They were such a perfect couple.

“I worked in a shoe factory and her mother was the one that supplied us leather. One time she had been sent to talk to the manager and I was a day fresh in the position after getting promoted. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen yet, but I knew that we were very different. Her family was very rich, and I was just starting to make a living for myself. So I thought, maybe I should just make friends with her, I guess there’s nothing wrong with having someone as beautiful as her for a friend. But when I reached out to her and started to discover the beauty in variety and acceptance, I felt that my world became a much colorful place. And then we became the best of friends. One day I decided to tell her the fact that I loved her, and risked our friendship, but I would definitely have regretted not telling her despite what I had laid down the line. We’ve been married for forty two years now.”

On that note, I’d like to clear out that it doesn’t work all the time, but it is always great to have a good friend by your side. Another thing that great relationships have factored in would be their capability to move forward as individuals. Some clients who started seeing other people shortly after a bad breakup guaranteed more problems than growth, as a result of a rebound relationship and a lack of peace of mind. There’s always time to start seeing other people, but if you need to go figure out some personal ordeals, then by all means do it. That way, your new relationship does not suffer, and you get to present yourself in a new and refreshing fashion. There’s what we call a whirlwind romance, and those are for the lucky people. That’s what the Young Woman had. She ended up with her best friend, after being friends for five years, and discovering that it was not the end of the world for her. They dated for 4 years and got married. Then again, even I had to start all over again. And you know what, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I love my wife. It all works out in the end.

In general, if you know your way around relationships, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for everyone you meet. This is a world full of individuals with different attributes and personalities that sets them apart from one another. Even the experts sometimes fail. That’s why there’s divorce, but then again, there’s a way to fix things. And that’s where marriage counselors come in. This isn’t about blowing my own horn, we’re people too, and we DO encounter problems of our own. Communication, trust, understanding are the keys to a great relationship and I think everyone has heard that from just about any “good advice giver”. Just make sure that you find a friend in that person and in yourself. Because when the romance subsides, there’s always another relationship to catch your cloud and take you back to where you both started.

Being in this field for nearly 10 years, I’ve seen and heard almost all the stories possible about what constitutes a great relationship and its opposite. I’ve met women who have survived a really traumatic relationship and men who have been through equally painful ones.

It makes no difference at all; whether it be a man or a woman and all the other politically incorrect equations about gender – fact is fact: there are a few things that should guide us into the lives that we desire, in whatever field we wish, especially when it involves our romantic relationships.

Not so long ago, I’ve dealt with one client who had just gotten out of a relationship of two years. She was young, barely in her mid twenties. This was a young woman who’s never been in a relationship before, and did not have any sort of standard when it came to how she should be treated as a woman; a victim of verbal abuse, and later on physical abuse.

This carried over as our session lasted months on and off. She would come by every so often whenever she needed to let out some steam, when she would remember the bad episodes in her previous relationship. From what I’ve gathered, she and another client went through the same problem. This time I was dealing with a man.

He was your average guy who was very smart and silent, who preferred things were put to place and got together with a woman with a tub of insecurities. This showed me a pattern. So other than just having him unleash his burdens to me, I asked about the history of the person he was with at the time. She had excess baggage and that was something textbook did not expound to me very much.

The results were the same. They became victims of co-victims. At one point I thought of setting them up, except that they both really didn’t want to start seeing other people – a result of the traumatic relationship.

Piecing things together, 2 years after, the Young Woman came back and told me how much her life has changed after she had found someone a year after her painful experience. “It was not easy”, she explains. “I was still fresh out of the trauma, but my friendship with this guy I’m now with saved us both.” They hung out everyday, and she did the opposite of what she used to do. “I made sure that the feelings were real, and these are things you shouldn’t base on the first date alone. The best foot forward pattern is always an option for every relationship –even I used to subscribe to that. So, I became my true self the entire time (or so I’d like to think) and thank goodness I didn’t have to try so hard because our friendship gave us that advantage.”

Recollecting stories of relationships from my friends, clients and personal experience, I saw one common denominator. It was the friendship and mutual respect and understanding. This can stretch as far as two people who have totally different tastes in everything, and that’s supposedly another issue altogether, but then again, when you’ve been friends for quite sometime now, all that seems to become next to unimportant.

Yesterday we had a short trip to the doctor. My wife had some bleeding after taking a shower and we got alarmed. I’m scared. Really scared, but I do not have control over these things happening now. I think I’m just at the right pace where I am surrendering myself to what can happen, though I know I shouldn’t be thinking about it that way.

I remember the time when my mother had a miscarriage when I was five. We were all excited about the baby, so just imagine how my mother felt when she lost it. She had a slight accident, where she had slipped in the shower – my dad wasn’t around, too. He was at work that day and I called an ambulance and then my dad. I could hear the fear in his voice.

Now I probably have that same amount of fear, but I know there’s still hope. The doctor says the chances of the baby surviving were small, but I’m keeping my act together hoping it would change. I have to be strong for my wife and for the baby she is carrying inside of her.

Meanwhile I keep staring at these father and son photos… It inspires me to test myself, my patience and strength.