Pick up as you go

I am this close to the day itself.

I’m sorry I haven’t been doing any real updating in here, but if you browse thru my other entries, you can see how close I am to seeing my firstborn.

My wife Linda and I are excited. While that is a given, I’m more scared than hyped up to become a father. I was brought up in a classic family where I knew exactly what my dad’s role was, and how different it was from my mom’s but now that I’m actually going to be the one to play the role makes everything completely different.

I remember the time when my dad and my mom fought for the first time (at least the first time I’ve ever seen them really fight). It was very silent, they weren’t speaking to each other for quite a while; too silent at times. And you know what, I had picked up from that incident, and thought that if I came across a similar situation I’d probably react the same way and take after my dad, my role model. He was very patient and controlled despite his shortcomings, but I believe he put the balance in the home as my mother and the rest of my siblings and I were chaotic in every way. My dad, he was the one man I thought I never wanted to be like as I was growing up, only to find out that I’ve become more and more like him each day.

Now as the distance between today and the next two weeks we are expecting our child, I’ve become a little weary of the future. Where my child will be if anything should happen to me, considering how wild this world is, and I’m also a little worried for myself because I’ve never thought about life this way. I’ve always considered things to happen just the way they should, just banking on destiny and fate on a balanced beam.

I apologize if all this seems to be messed up, but no matter how hard I try to tie things together my words, despite the massive adjectives and how the story-telling tricks are bound up, nothing seems to make up for the tumbling of expectations I have in my system. In my wife’s womb, is the very child I thought I was just a concept.

When I was younger I always thought about having a daughter for a first born, but honestly none of all the things I used to worry about matter at all. Your views completely change from the way they used to be – so much it’ll surprise you. Now I’m just biding my time until then. This is one of those days I’m completely alien to what I’m facing but you know what, I take back what I said earlier in my first paragraph. I am more excited than scared.