Pick up as you go

I know we have the right to freedom of speech but I also feel we have a responsibility over what we say.  If it’s too much below the belt, then I think we should exercise control, criticism is good for as long as it’s grounded.  It saddens me to see how we (yes, I’m including myself) abuse our freedom of speech.

Why can we just be happy for other people’s happiness?  Why do we have to go our way to make them feel like trash?  I am just so sick of it, so, I am reforming myself in little ways for I know I am also one of those people I somehow despise right now.  But, I will never abuse people with below-the-belt comments.

I am surprised by the many times I’ve seen hits on some internet sites that need ratings on their looks. My niece was a victim of this very sad trend. She said this was all some girls at school ever talked about. Gathering votes on their looks night and day and getting into groups seeking approval for their physical appearance.

A parent came to me years ago because her daughter had been affected by a similar incident. The daughter had skin asthma so she had scabs when she first entered school. Sometimes, children can really be mean, but you never really know who to blame, in some instances. Apparently, one of the more popular girls at school started whispering to her friend about the daughter of my one-time client, and then started becoming more verbally abusive only because she did not fit in the way most girls at school did.

I believe this to be very traumatizing on the part of the parent and the child both. Imagining them having to live up to that and growing up with that kind of condition and other children not understanding the situation can really do your self-esteem some serious harm. The child later on decided to just stay home and not continue going to a regular school. She’s very lucky to have parents who can afford to put her through home schooling because of this incident. But what about others who cannot afford to find a solution to some problems?

I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the child, but at the same time I wanted her to at least try harder to resist what some kids could do all for approval and social reassurance, but she insisted that she stayed home with her mother. Then again, what’s a mother to do but to listen to her child. Sometimes we can only do so much to protect our children, so we really have to make them experience some things that will help them face the inevitable when the future comes, but often we are thrown off-guard by the circumstances that we mistake to be threatening enough to actually make a bigger mistake cutting all ties with the outside world.

One has to fit in, in order to survive. It may seem hard at times, but there will always come a time wherein one will have to ask for another person’s help, and vice versa. Keeping a responsibility to be open to any possibilities that can happen to our surroundings is an exercise to a good relationship with yourself. To expect yourself to be useful to others is a sign that you know you deserve that level of reciprocation.

I know that it is very impossible to eradicate situations like these, when one is being ostracized for his/her condition - especially if it is something medical - because they happen on a normal basis, but if you are a parent, you may as well be aware and teach your child that sometimes physical looks can only go so far in this world because we all know that what matters is what’s inside, and that we should seek approval on the better standards that this world has to offer and it is found in helping other people or at the very least, making new friends, building new ties and reconnecting bridges.

I am this close to the day itself.

I’m sorry I haven’t been doing any real updating in here, but if you browse thru my other entries, you can see how close I am to seeing my firstborn.

My wife Linda and I are excited. While that is a given, I’m more scared than hyped up to become a father. I was brought up in a classic family where I knew exactly what my dad’s role was, and how different it was from my mom’s but now that I’m actually going to be the one to play the role makes everything completely different.

I remember the time when my dad and my mom fought for the first time (at least the first time I’ve ever seen them really fight). It was very silent, they weren’t speaking to each other for quite a while; too silent at times. And you know what, I had picked up from that incident, and thought that if I came across a similar situation I’d probably react the same way and take after my dad, my role model. He was very patient and controlled despite his shortcomings, but I believe he put the balance in the home as my mother and the rest of my siblings and I were chaotic in every way. My dad, he was the one man I thought I never wanted to be like as I was growing up, only to find out that I’ve become more and more like him each day.

Now as the distance between today and the next two weeks we are expecting our child, I’ve become a little weary of the future. Where my child will be if anything should happen to me, considering how wild this world is, and I’m also a little worried for myself because I’ve never thought about life this way. I’ve always considered things to happen just the way they should, just banking on destiny and fate on a balanced beam.

I apologize if all this seems to be messed up, but no matter how hard I try to tie things together my words, despite the massive adjectives and how the story-telling tricks are bound up, nothing seems to make up for the tumbling of expectations I have in my system. In my wife’s womb, is the very child I thought I was just a concept.

When I was younger I always thought about having a daughter for a first born, but honestly none of all the things I used to worry about matter at all. Your views completely change from the way they used to be – so much it’ll surprise you. Now I’m just biding my time until then. This is one of those days I’m completely alien to what I’m facing but you know what, I take back what I said earlier in my first paragraph. I am more excited than scared.

I say this because my cat kept jumping on my lap at work today and well I’ve tried hard to show him that it wasn’t time to kid around.

So I lifted him up and tossed him to the floor. Only to find out he was hanging onto my trousers. Now he fell from his back. I’m so sorry, Cat.

Now this is animal cruelty?

I had this freaky dream last night where I got this voice mail on my cell phone from the future, and it was my own voice saying “Shit! I almost forgot” and then screaming in horror.

Then a few minutes later while I was waiting for an elevator, a girl reminded me that I had to be somewhere. I said “Shit! I almost forgot” and stared at this girl who was with me in disbelief. Just then the elevator opened up to an empty shaft, and as I backed away, something from the ground pulled me down the shaft, and I fell…

Then I woke up, thoroughly shaken. It was about 5 in the morning, and I just had about 2 hours of sleep. Crud.

Have you ever come to the point wherein you just couldn’t find anything interesting to talk about? Currently, that is my situation. Funnily, I resort to writing most of the time when the other things in life get the best of me; I mean here I am writing about emptiness, right? I really should stick to this job. My writing projects as we speak are getting bigger and bigger and I’m sort of neglecting some of the stuff that needs to be finished in the other areas of my life, but I find refuge in speaking my mind even at times I have absolutely nothing to say. Here is writing exercise number 22.

I hate to use this title as an example but today I was faced with one of the more challenging problems I’ve ever encountered.

The issue was between two sisters fighting over a guy. Now the guy is your typical ass. The rich, accomplished guy who sleeps with both women causing trouble within the family. I couldn’t help but tell them both to do the impossible — which was to leave the jerkwad alone, but the elder sister made a point and she said, there must be something about the guy that’s doing this to them that makes him worth it.

Why do I say this? I’ve been to a similar situation from years back. It was between me and my buddy Lloyd but, then it wasn’t as serious as this although the girl was really something — more of, I didn’t let it get too serious. Her life went downhill after getting hooked on drugs. Surreal but true.

I just told them both to think hard of the repercussions of this as I can’t really tell them what else to do, except what I had already told them which was to find a better man for each. At the end of it all, family should always come first. But that’s me.

I remember the time that my best bud’s wife had just given birth to a healthy baby girl. And I thought it was just amazing seeing the baby. At first, I didn’t know how to react of course, I was his best man if you want me to cut to the chase, so there’s the default happiness although the long hand story says I was shocked out of my system when I had been told that Lloyd was getting married. Marriage is a different thing to me. Knowing the stats of however many couples split up every second.

I’ve loved children since I started practcing in this field, they are the significant proof of purity in this world full of different people who give my character a new dimension sometimes. See, being a counselor doesn’t always make you a nice guy. Many parts of it have to do with knowing what’s right from wrong and more often than not my moral meter is being used by different people. But at the same time, my patience gets tested A lot.

So one day at work, Lloyd comes up to me and tells me we needed to talk. And I thought, hey he must’ve broken up with Anna — I was seeing what I wanted to see, I wasn’t looking at what he really wanted to say. I kept my ear open for the news, and he simply said, “Anna and I are having a baby.”

That was it. I couldn’t function. It felt entirely different all of a sudden. Not like those who come up to me to tell me they’ve finally made it as a couple and what a great thing it was to finally have a child after trying all this time, no. I was dealing with the guy whom I treated like my own brother after all these years, the man who almost reflected every inch of me. And it would be childish to say, but all the plans had shifted to a different phase. I had to find another fool that could take his place at the apartment, I had to get along well with the same fool, too.

The wedding followed in between the pregnancy. It was a small gathering of 30 people. It was one of those weddings that I really liked since it wasn’t your typical garden wedding, but a church wedding, very non-traditional one. Anna’s family was there, I was there and later on 2 of our buddies caught on to the event. I was happy for him, but I knew him best, above all that.

That was 5 years ago. A week ago, my wife told me that she’s 3 weeks pregnant and that I’m going to be a father soon. I know that at one point this was going to happen, but when I told Lloyd the news about it, he sprung out of the seat and told me that it was one of the best things that ever happened to him.

I seem to have been a better person these past couple of days due to this realization. I am doubly a more patient guy, and I take every word I say as carefully as breakable glass. I didn’t know these changes would take place, really. I want to be a good example to my child, that now I couldn’t just eat Goober from the jar without thinking that I have to show my child something he would follow. It stems from the simplest things and it was just something that opened my eye the stretch of the golden gate. This photo was the best father child photo I’ve ever seen, by the way.

I cannot wait until some nine months more.

I remember the days when I was still in University and I did a lot of poetry. Spoken word - I even did other people’s poetry for them just cos I liked it a lot. I remembered all this because I went to ibeatyou and saw a competition on the best spoken word entry. This guy was Filipino. He’s pretty good. Check the link out I’m going to paste it in here.

In other news, my appetite hasn’t been up to par these days. I think I’ve dropped a total of 3 lbs for this week alone, I dont know why - probably all the work I’ve been doing. I’m also thinking moving to another company. I’ve saved up pretty well anyway I’ll probably take a break, and find a lesser stress-induced job. My eyes are bloodshot too. Its mostly reading these days, I want to brush up on my psych.

Yep, that’s right. I shot myself in the foot. I volunteered to take care of my sisters kids today, and they are jumping on my back as we speak. They also like to press on things like what does this button do and the like. I like kids, but today was a mistake. My back hurts. Like a bitch.